How do you feel...Sir?

It was 9th of may 2008. I was expecting the clouds to rain heavily and the winds to shove me hard. My anticipations and desires to look other of my batch mates at the same emotional level, where I was standing had no logical explanations. Such absurd dreams neither had any logic nor any dark philosophy embedded or wrapped within it. But honestly since past 10 years, I was waiting for the day to end up with such kind of dramatic setup. I woke up that morning expecting to notice some phenomenal change in my ambiance.Loitering in my hostel lobby,I interviewed people and expected them to burst out in emotion.I expected the four year long movie to flash on my cerebral projector and drench my face in tears.

Probably, the fear of shift in my co-ordinates was bothering me more than emotional or sentimental detachments. A wild and absurd known fear was scaring me.I could have easily figured out vibrational causes that made me feel uncomfortable, but I wasn't in the mood to do that. I wanted to sit alone keeping mum, with my mental fluctuations touching the X axis.I kept my cell phone on silent mode.I had no idea about what,when and why to speak.My life, which have hitherto witnessed a lot many departures was witnessing the greatest ever shift till date.

The law of inertia which holds true for Newtonian body seemed to agree and satisfy my mental state too.I would have always hated to call my self a satisfied ,complacent and stoic kid but at 9th of may I was helpless,speechless,tasteless .....

My search of the "never-land" diluted while the graduation . My quixotic and utopian dreams were drying at that very moment, and I was helpless.I was debating against myself for smoking,drinking,professionalism,responsibilities,love,money,fame and hell lot of affairs,which never knocked my priorities before that day.The waves of fear and hesitation subdued my emotional and sentimental breeze. I was not accepting this fact and never wanted to accept it.This made me feel jittery,I was experiencing the unrest.

Some of my juniors visited my lobby and asked " how are you feeling ?"...If I should utter and accept the truth...I felt like an orphan at that very moment.....

या यूं कहे..

ये कोई इत्तेफाक नहीं,
पर कभी कभी,
हम,
नदी के एक किनारे से
दूसरे तक,
लम्बी छलांग लगा देते हैं ;

या यूं कहें,
उस पार जाने के लिए,
इस पार सब कुछ गवां देते हैं॥

चाँद को चाहना,
बेहद कोई गुनाह नही,
आख़िर सारी दुनिया यही करती है,
गुनाह है ये,
हम चाँद से चाहने की उम्मीदे लगा देते है,

या यूं कहे,
चांदनी बटोरने के लिए
हम सब कुछ ग़वा देते हैं...

और, इस पार
तुम्हारी कविताओं की जगह,
किसी और को पढ़ा जाए,
तुम प्यासे ही रहो,
किसी और को भरा जाए

दर्द होने पर,
रो नही सकते;
तुम नाटक के किरदार कहलाओगे,
गुस्सा करने पर, भाग नही सकते
पागल घोडा बन जाओगे॥

ये इत्तेफाक नही,
तुम्हारा झोला अब खली है
शब्दों से सजाई दुनिया,
गन्दी सी एक गाली है

या यूं कहे,
छलांग लगाने के साथ,
हम ख़ुद का मजाक बना लेते है,
अक्सर चाहते चाहते
सब कुछ गवा देते हैं..

Was that OUR REVOLUTION?

Was that OUR REVOLUTION?

Rhyme…Rhyme…Rhyme.
You force me every time,
Is it not a crime?
Bargaining thoughts to rhyme,
And, branding the poem to be sublime.

The funniest of all the fun,
We all are heading some run,
Blindly following some Sun,
Announcing “I had all the fun”,
Eagerly waiting to hear “Well done”

We are dragged to fight some war,
Are convinced to help as far,
We bleed and get some scar;
Satisfied and proud,
We boast, blabber and declare ourselves a star.

The formula I was told
To succeed, being young or old,
Was to rhyme, rhyme and rhyme,
Each and every time.

Identity Card- Part 1

Today, I have reappeared in my city after spending many years in a jail. Things have changed a lot here. I guess no one remembers me here. Just out of curiosity, I smiled and waved my hand arbitrarily to a barber. “Nice to see you after a week Sir…How is your father?” It was so irritating and annoying for me that I moved without replying him back.

I walked from the barber shop to a place exactly in front of a splendid mall. It never existed, when I visited the place last time. I had merely 500 bucks in my wallet and a cell phone which hardly had the balance to manage a call for half an hour. I was never a shy man and have been winning challenges for the last many years to prove my balls. So, I geared up to get into that opulent mall. At any point of time and with any sum of money in my wallet, I wouldn’t have hesitated to enter the mall. But, I wished to chill my self having a quick fag before getting any royal reception inside the mall.

It was a long queue of strange faces with cigarettes in their hands. Probably, few of them were smoking because they had to prove that they are social animal and they socialize every evening and few of them were smoking under the wrong impression of looking elegant while performing the ritual. It have always been a great mystery to me that “Why do we try to impress strangers”. Surprisingly the media chosen to prove us are absurd at times. A hell lot of blabbering discussions forced me to leave the place as soon as possible. I dragged my self closer to the mall with the cigarette in my hand.

Memories were flashing in my mind. I still remember my father. He was a principal at a blind school in the city. He was a very qualified scholar from a prestigious college. But, I never understood why he was so much inclined him the social service. Obnoxiously, while I was very young he wrenched me also to serve the school. It was much more than any punishment.

I was never excited interacting those blinds. They were never any factor of delight. But, the banner of my benevolent father made every one of them interact with me. They used to share their feelings, their possessions and their memories with me. Hardly, any of such emotions conciliated my anger. ‘D’ was also among those blind students. He is not much relevant in my diary except the fact that he had a nice I-pod which always enticed me. I was an egoistic child and rarely asked him the I-pod. I asked my father to gift a similar I-pod on my birthday, but in reply had to face severe scolding and lectures of frugality. I was very possessive since my childhood and had hardly compromised for my demands. After the death of my mother things changed a lot. But, this time the matter got serious. Late in the night, when all of the students went to their bed, I decided to snatch the I-pod from the blind without making any noise or give him any clue. His bad stars couldn’t help him to save either his life or his I-pod. I was caught snatching the I-pod .In my defense I attacked him. Unfortunately he stumbled and died on the spot. My moral father had nothing but few more moral lessons for the jail. It was probably his society and his social image that made him at least to shed tears at that moment.

My first trysts with those prisoners are not too great or enthralling to boastfully discuss anywhere, but I have always conversed different versions of that story at different places. It satisfies my ego and the appreciations make my nose look further up.

Things at the jail changed over the years. I was not new to those ragging phases. I never felt bruised. My father even treated me like that. Surely, I enjoyed being discussed and glorified among the prisoners. They often idolized me. It served their purpose of being praised as connoisseur of recognizing talents and my purpose of turning into an icon. My days of misery were over. I was greeted as a don there, had all the facilities available behind the bars. I used to demonstrate and rule the prisoners.

But, I hated the place. I hated the inmates. I was dying like anything to get out of that quicksand. I had to see the world. I had to learn life. I had to eat in restaurants….I had to hear the I-pod.

Its yet to be understood

"Who is your Ideal ...Hello Mr. day dreamer..Or you are yet to decide your path ?", asked the professor." I am not very sure of it Sir !" ,Raj replied casually, pretending to be innocent.Probably he never wanted to answer his teacher,not even his colleagues or even himself.Last time when out of his excitement he quoted the lines of a famous book, it only served the purpose of making his peers laugh and advertise their own knowledge by quoting other known writers.

Last year after having a few glasses of beer in a party, he proudly enjoyed the oration of his feelings.His narrations took a dramatic turn, when the discussions were flooded with feelings of other species present in the party.It was tough for him to understand why the alcohol drop was needed to pull words out of them...Rating each other, proving themselves as a messiah,long conversations on the cell phone to impress girl friends , sharing the truth and tears all around. "Ahh why am I diluted? why is no one listening to me?" It surprised, depressed and infuriated him.To grab their attention he even tried to break his glass but unfortunately some other friend of him did it before him.

Some other day, while going to his lecture theatre on a rickshaw he heard the rickshaw wala saying-"you cannot avert your natural instincts for a long time ". It was again a trivial nonsense talk for him, either because it was told by a rickshaw wala or it was told when he was not in a mood to react to anything.Although those lines helped him figure out his instincts. After lot of contemplations, discussions and suggestions it became evident to him that, he can discover himself only through experience.

He spent months reading biographies ,watching movies and experimenting with relations. Slogans like "I am what I am", "I live my life", blah blah blah...made him feel self satisfied.

Raj ranked 1st in his first year of graduation and therefore his complacent father gifted him a camera on his 20th birthday.The shades of nature always allured him.With his camera, he captured as much it permitted him to and a few days later in a photography exhibition he won lots of prizes. His friends complemented him. It was speculated that he is going to be next public figure.Those gossips,those murmurs those discussions delighted him to such an extent that he wanted to blow his lungs out laughing for hours.Unfortunately the social constraints and the desire to live more fringed his lips just to a celebrity's smile.

Surely,months and months of reading books never made photography a secondary priority to him but added a sense of reasoning to his works.He spent hours in guessing why,when and what to capture in the camera.His second year grades got screwed up.He was the center of discussion for most of the topic among his mates.The cupidity and avarice of being center of discussion that he suffered or to say enjoyed in his first year was probably heard by god.And God replied to his hunger in His own style.Life turned out to be more mysterious than he expected.The downward sloping graph of his grades showered more atrocity to his life.Expectations of the parents, comparisons with other social entities and the hidden desire to prove the world added fuel to the fire.

The desire to disappear in woods got more intense.He confined him to his room and the nature . The suffering and pains, hours and hours of deciphering texts ,religious books and his photographs used to give him eternal pleasures.It made him feel heroic and strong to be tied in such complexities and solve the riddle called "Life". It was as if he was about to reach the top most of barrier of decoding and unfolding questions of life.Some times,in when stirred up he used to capture more from his camera,when lonely he used to hate those pictures.The debates and altercations were not finding any answers.Smokes and alcohols made him immune temporarily.

Last night,going to a restaurant on the same rickshaw with his friend,he asked him- Education spoiled us..or we are spoiling the education.The friend casually replied back Why do you need situations or create situations to convey your thoughts.Your pursuit will not finish until you desire it to be finished.The rickshaw wala turned back and smiled "babu ji happiness is there in sharing it"..this time he wanted to hear it from the man and he heard it.

What do you want to do ...Hello Mr. day dreamer..Or you are yet to decide ?", asked the professor." Sir I just want to live happily..raj smiled and replied

Its raining again

My taste buds liking chocolate,

got crazy to taste icecream;

let me on the cloud number nine,

Don't wake me if it's a dream

Melodies all around the air,

heart looking to smile again,

The clouds of sorrow are over

Now it's new world..Its a new rain.

I need a spoon of love

ख्वाबो के धागों में लिपटे...सूने पड़े हैं,

तारों की टिम टिम में भी...चुप से खडें हैं,
आसूँ नही...बस आंखो से कह पातें हैं,
बंद कमरों में अकेले...अकेले रह जातें हैं।

कुछ मीठे आंसू , चाहत के चम्मच से पिलादो
प्यार की tonic का थोडा ..थोडा taste करा दो,
भूखे हैं पर..झूठे नही मेरे खिलौने ,
नटखट हैं पर... इतने बुरे भी नही...मेरे ये बौने

I feel the void
getting big,getting large..
I only need a spoon..spoon of love
no doubt

माँगो तो...piggie bank में जो भी है,
सब तुम्हारा है,
chalklate की आधी byte,
बिस्तरों में छुपाईथी जो kite,
जो भी माँगो...
बस तुम्हारा है।


बस....
कुछ मीठे आंसू , चाहत के चम्मच से पिलादो
प्यार की tonic का थोडा ..थोडा taste करा दो,

जानकर भी सब, क्यों नाराज़ बैठे हो,
नासमझ हूँ मैं..पर तुम न ऐसे हो,
यादों की चादर से कुछ लम्हे ला दो,
परियों की दुनिया की लोरी सुना दो...

कुछ मीठे आंसू , चाहत के चम्मच से पिलादो
प्यार की tonic का थोडा ..थोडा taste करा दो,


I feel the void
getting big,getting large..
I only need a spoon..spoon of love
no doubt

रूठे हैं मुझसे नयना तेरे

रूठे हैं मुझसे नयना तेरे,
कैसे उनको मनाऊँ,
होकर खफा छिप गए हो तुम,
कैसे ढ़ूंढ़ के लाऊं;
रूठे हैं मुझसे नयना तेरे,
कैसे उनको मनाऊँ॥

बादल के पीछे बैठे हो तुम,
तारें मुझको चिधायें,
पतझड़ सी सूनी बगिया मेरी,
आशू कैसे छिपाउन
रूठे हैं मुझसे नयना तेरे,
कैसे उनको मनाऊँ,

तुम ही हो सुबह मेरे,
तुम शाम की झलक भी हो,
तेरे दर्द से बेचैन है दिल,
कैसे इसे समझाऊं,
रूठे हैं मुझसे नयना तेरे,
कैसे उनको मनाऊँ....

मैं और मेरा ये मन...

काले धागे को उलझकर जाल बुनता,
सूखे सपनों के तरू से डाल बुनता,
पापी, प्यासा या अभागा रिक्त है ये,
मन अकेला चिर्चिराता,
बुझती राखों को जला फिर चीख सुनता॥

प्रपंच में लिपटे हुए षड्यंत्र बुनता,
अहम को भेट करने मंत्र बुनता,
शतरंज के छोटे दाव पर पागल सा हँसता,
चिर्चिराता, चोट खाता,
बुझती राखों को जला फिर चीख सुनता॥

You told me what is life,
You taught me what is human,
Expressed me why to love,
Quoted me tons of reasons...

Now what, if I just know love,
I look only at one moon,
Am I so scary,
Am I so abrupt...

I lost my self in woods,
Puddling in the memories
shivering alone the whole night,
perplexed in untold stories